


you're gone so soon

by louiscontroll



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Basically Niall's reaction to all of it, Gen, I know it would not have happened like this, I need to vent out some emotions I guess, Niall Centric, OT5, but - Freeform, zayn leaves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 17:08:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3617655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louiscontroll/pseuds/louiscontroll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just that Niall likes to think that they're going to be doing this until they're 60. He wants to look back at this, and remember that this was the best time of his life. He doesn't want any regrets.</p><p>Right now, he's feeling pretty regretful.</p><p>Because of today's, March 25th's, events.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're gone so soon

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Zayn, for everything.

 

It happens too quickly, but not quickly enough.

Zayn's standing in front of them, biting his nails nervously - just like he did during X Factor, waiting to be called - and no one else is in the room. Everyone's waiting, staring at their bandmate, a fifth of the most powerful group in the world. 

"I've been thinking really hard lately." That's when Niall knows it's bad news, and he wishes Zayn would just say it so the worst will be over. It's like ripping off a band-aid. You have to do it quickly, or else it stings.

"Z, whatever it is, we're here for you." That's Liam, always trying to make the best of every situation.

"The whole thing with the cheating rumours...you know I had to take a break from that, you know. And I was going to come back. But when I got home, I just remembered how much I love being  _home_. I miss it. I felt better and I didn't feel so stressed. It made me realize, that I, I don't think this is the best place for me to be anymore. It's been grand, and I love all of you, but...I..."

He goes silent. Niall feels numb. The words seem to bounce off of him, and none of it seems real. It's not until Harry gets up and hugs Zayn that the blond realizes - they are now four.

It turns into a group hug pretty quickly. Immediately, Niall nestles his head in the crook of Zayn's neck, the way he always did. It isn't like this is going to be the last time he would ever hug him, but it sure feels like it.

It's just that Niall likes to think that they're going to be doing this until they're 60. There was an interview, a year back or so, where he said that, and he still means it with all of his being. He wants to look back at this, and remember that this was the best time of his life. He doesn't want any regrets.

Right now, he's feeling pretty regretful.

Only later does Niall realize that he still feels numb.

* * *

Of course they support Zayn's decision, openly and together. "We're sending out a massive thanks to Zayn, for the past five years have been amazing," they all say, at different interviews in different cities. It becomes a script.

"We're gonna be putting out a fifth album, but obviously it won't be the same as the last four," Liam will say.

"Yeah, no more high notes!" Niall will add.

"And the tour is going to finish, as well, so thanks to all the fans for sticking with us." That's Harry.

Louis closes, "The tour will be wicked, of course, but it'll feel empty without Zayn. Thanks to him again."

Somewhere, somehow, Niall hopes Zayn's listening so he  _knows._

* * *

The five stages of grief aren't supposed to look like this.

Niall knows - he studied them once for a school project.  _Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance._  

He's pretty sure he's stuck in denial. There's no anger about this, not at all, he could never be angry at Zayn. Maybe, one day, he'll finally take it up with management and yell at them about not letting them take any breaks even when it was obvious Zayn was struggling - if only he'd  _noticed_   _earlier_ \- but for now, he still thinks Zayn's coming back.

Louis is the one who's angry. Several times, he's lashed out, only to back off and apologize. Liam keeps saying that they should've done something else, let him take more breaks, talked to management more. Harry is just sad, staring off into space sometimes, as if picturing where Zayn should be in the room.

It's not like Zayn's _died_ or anything, they know that. They still text all the time, and Niall even managed to video call him once before their show. But then he had to go out and perform and sing some of the solos that were meant for a voice much different from his, and it wasn't right, and it all came crashing down again.  _This is temporary. He is not gone. He will come back and yell something stupid like "Vas' happenin'?" and we will all laugh because that's just Zayn._

It isn't going to happen, but that won't stop Niall from thinking it might. 

He also can't help but think that they're all embodying the five stages of grief, and if Zayn were here, he'd be acceptance. But he's not, and they can't accept it. Life works like that.

* * *

It's when they take the fifth mic away it hits him. 

They'd been leaving a fifth mic, special for Zayn, right between Niall and Louis. Sure, it didn't make sense. He wasn't going to come out and fill the space. But it wasn't right to just get rid of it.

Management thinks otherwise. Some of the fans are making conspiracy theories about the fifth mic, saying it's all a big plot, and management wants to put a stop to that. They don't talk to the remaining four before they do; one day, they just come out to sing "Night Changes," and the mic isn't there.

Niall's been the one who covers Zayn's opening solo of the song, but when he opens his mouth, he realizes that there's only four of them. He isn't covering for Zayn anymore, he's  _taking his place._ There isn't a mic that Zayn is going to sing into again. 

He can't bring himself to sing the solo. Louis realizes, only a second after Niall stops, and sings it for him. The fans laugh when they see the videos. "Oh, haha, Louis just came in late and he's going to sing that solo now." 

They're only half right.

* * *

 

Recording the fifth album is hard. 

They're so used to dividing up the chosen songs between them evenly - they all agree that what happened on the Up All Night album, with two members only signing back-up, will never happen again - but now they can't follow any sort of formula. They don't have a voice to cover a specific range, and they certainly can't have any super high notes anymore.

The songs hold less meaning, somehow. It's still amazing to be recording, and Niall loves singing. There's no way he would give this up. But whenever he messes up, no one encourages him to try again, and that sucks.

 _He remembers, recording 'Take Me Home' and being given that Little Things solo. That was almost scary for Niall, standing in the booth and singing that. He messes up the first take, which is fine, and they're going to go again, but then he messes up the second and third and fourth and the producers are looking at each other and talking about whether or not to get Harry or_ anybody _to cover it._

_Zayn comes up to him, whispers in his ear, "You have this, mate, you're voice is beautiful. I love it and you." Niall's a little surprised, but he just nods and smiles, but Zayn is already gone - he's gone to the producers' box and tells them, "One more take, okay? Just go one more." The producers shrug and start the take again._

_Niall nails it._

He messes up on one of his larger parts, and turns once, waiting to see if Zayn will shoot him a thumbs-up or anything at all. He doesn't.

The next take, Niall hits the notes. 

* * *

 

They do a show in London. Zayn shows up, and he watches the entire thing, a goofy smile on his face, before meeting them backstage.

He's never been happier and that  _hurts_ , it hurts Niall, because he left them alone. He left, and being away from them made him  _happier_ and how is that  _fair_?

He knows it is, but, still.

He's talking to each of the boys equally, but gets around to Niall last. "Hey," he says, holding out his arms. 

 _You jerk,_ Niall thinks.  _Don't you know how this made me feel? Don't you understand how empty we all felt? Don't you_ get _that?_

Instead, Niall walks right into those arms and buries his head in the crook of Zayn's neck. "I've missed you," he chooses to say, because he know he means that most of all.

"I've missed you too," Zayn says quietly, rubbing Niall's back. Niall will never tell, but he likes Zayn's hugs the best.

"Are you-"

Zayn stops him because they both know what's going to be said. "I'm not coming back, Ni, but I never left, you know?"

"I know," Niall says. "I know. I just. It's weird."

Zayn smiles and moves out of the embrace. "It's weird for me, too, believe me."

"We could've called you up on the stage tonight," Niall says. "You know, for the fans. Just for a bit." Truth be told, Niall wants to feel, to remember what five members is like on a huge stage. 

"I don't belong on the stage anymore," Zayn replies. "But you already knew that."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

Zayn looks him right in the eyes. "The stage is for  _you_  now, okay?"

Niall smiles, now, too, despite being sad. "Thank you."

"Are you going to be okay? Are you going to be able...have you accepted all of this? All the change?"

Niall sighs. He hasn't, but he knows Zayn hasn't really gone anywhere. "I can. I promise."

And he does.


End file.
